WARNING: There is a New Danger for Trick-or-Treaters: Pure Plutonium
In 2015, the danger was expensive party drugs, but this year, it’s pure Plutonium. Parents beware.
The fear of children mistaking hundreds of dollars in party drugs as Halloween candy in 2015 is now the least of any parent’s concerns. This year, police departments are warning of a new threat to our children: pure Plutonium.
There were no noteworthy documented cases of children being given thousands of dollars in party drugs last Halloween, but don’t tell Police Chief Dennis Courtier of Easton, Massachusetts.
“Pure Plutonium is the last thing you want your children to consume,” Courtier told reporters. “It will kill them.”
Courtier is urging parents to be fearful for the safety of their children, as an evildoer could potentially hand out pure Plutonium purchased on the black market instead of Halloween candy, meaning death for your children.
“You never know what criminals will try,” says Courtier. “But if they try handing out pure Plutonium, then it’s game over for your kids.”
The cost per gram of pure plutonium is currently $4000 USD. To some, it may seem unlikely that criminals would obtain such a valuable radioactive substance intending only to give it away to trick-or-treaters for free on Halloween, but Chief Courtier says it could happen.
“There’s no way to predict what will happen in the future, and there’s no way to prove something won’t happen,” says Courtier, “so therefore, it’s not impossible, and you should be afraid.”
Courtier then went on to outline the telltale signs that something is not candy and is instead, pure Plutonium.
“Pure Plutonium will be luminescent: it’ll be glowing,” Courtier told reporters. “I’d also encourage parents to obtain a Geiger Counter, which our department has begun selling already. The Geiger Counter will allow parents to instantly know the difference between candy and pure Plutonium.”
Courtier went on to say that the Police department is selling Geiger Counters for $35.00, and all the proceeds will go to the construction of a new police station.
Courtier also wants to assure concerned parents that his department will do everything they can to ensure the complete safety of their children in the face of this new threat, but he reiterated, “Just to be safe, purchase one of our Geiger Counters: $35.00.”
We will be monitoring the situation closely. Hopefully, there will be no documented cases of children receiving pure plutonium instead of candy, but only time will tell.
