Arizona Man Lobbies Congress to Outlaw ‘Being Offended’
“I’m sick and tired of whiny, bitch-ass, p#@@ies being offended by things,” Harry Coulter, 39, of Phoenix Arizona, told the United States House of Representatives. “If you don’t like it when I say something that personally degrades your existence or validity as a human being, then don’t f@%king listen or go home.”
Coulter spent 6 hours in front of congress explaining a classification system he personally created called, “The Hierarchy of Importance,” explaining that he had worked out the relative importance of each specific demographic of people’s representation in society.
As illustrated in the accompanying chart provided by Coulter, there are three tiers: Green (Most Important), Yellow (Kind of Important but Not Really), and Red, (Not Important and Should Have No Representation at All)
At the top of the hierarchy, and in the green are, “Normal People,” whom Coulter defines as regular hard-working Americans that work for a paycheck, and like a good steak, a beer, and an occasional trip to a strip club.
Just below the, “Normal People,” and in the green are women, who Coulter defines as the second most-important type of people in the world. Along with African-Americans, or, “The Blacks,” as Coulter calls them, and Hispanics, Asians, and just barely important enough are, “The Gays,” whom Coulter explained are important because they can legally exist in all 50 states now.
In the yellow, and still important, but not really, are Transgender people, or, “Men Posing as Women,” as Coulter calls them, Muslims, for whom Coulter explained, “Are mostly to blame for terrorism in the world,” but he knows for a fact that not all of them are bad, so they deserve minor importance in terms of representation.
With Muslims and transgender people, are Native Americans, which Coulter claims, “Don’t really have any issues anymore because they have their casinos and they get along with normal people.” And Coulter also includes people battling depression in the yellow. Coulter explained that he’s of the belief that life is too short to get so sad about things, but he’s been to the funeral of one of his teenage nephews after a suicide, so sad people should at least get some consideration, but not a lot.
In the red, Coulter explained, “These people shouldn’t be taken seriously and are fair game. No one cares if you offend them, because they’re not important at all and don’t deserve a voice.”
Coulter gives four demographics the red designation: the mentally challenged, or, “The Loonies,” as he calls them, sex workers, whom he already mentioned as being important to one of the defining characteristics of, “Normal People,” in the trips to a strip club, but are still at the bottom of the hierarchy regardless, and other sexual orientations and gender identities that Coulter seems to believe are a product of entitled millennials. They are the least important people in the world, according to Coulter.
“It’s those entitled and lazy millennials,” says Coulter, “They think they can just change the way we look at everything. They think the words we have already don’t include everyone and that they’re so special that they need new terms to define them. It makes me sick that they think what we have already isn't inclusive enough.”
After Coulter explained his hierarchy of importance to Congress, he proposed a law that would make it illegal for anyone lower in the hierarchy to be offended by the words or actions of someone higher up in the hierarchy.
“For example,” said Coulter, “Say a normal person mentioned to a woman that he thinks she’d probably look really hot naked and would like to see her naked. Because she’s lower on the hierarchy than the normal person, it would be illegal for her to be offended.”
After Coulter’s 6 hours before Congress, he thanked them and then confidently walked away leaving Congress to discuss his proposal. The parties are currently divided on the issue with the Democrats unanimously opposed to it, while the Republicans seem to be split on the issue, but leaning toward supporting it. As of Thursday, Congress could not agree to send the proposal to a committee, so detractors of being offended by words and actions will have to wait a little longer before their frustration comes to an end.
