“It’s all just a distraction!” Screams Man, Desperately Attempting to Rescue Dying Conspiracy Theory

“I’m telling you: they’re all just trying to distract you from the real issue!” Screams Richard Eaton, 53, of Pensacola, while talking to The Daily News Report. “Just wait: while you’re distracted, they’ll strike and you’ll never see it coming!”

In his vague, apocalyptic musings, Eaton seems to suggest that, “It’s all connected,” and if you just take the issue at face value, then you are a sheep, being herded to your ignorant demise, just like wolves cloaked in the robes of a shepherd. God help us all, for we are doomed if we ignore the real story.

Eaton, it seems, recently rewatched The Matrix films and the Star Wars prequel trilogy, and these films have opened Eaton’s eyes to the powerful forces of evil pulling all the strings and leading us right to where the darkness lies, pushing humanity into the inevitable death spiral of a totalitarian oblivion.

“There is no coincidence,” Eaton insisted to the Daily News Report. “It’s all connected. It’s all a sign. It’s coming: they’re putting all the pieces in place to make their final move. And when they do, that’s the end for us: our freedom, our lives, our rights. We will all be slaves to the darkness of a totalitarian epoch: a gradual death march for all of humanity toward the final chapter of our very existence! Turn a blind eye at your own peril, for your willful ignorance shall be complicit in our demise!”

When asked exactly what Eaton was talking about, he seemed agitated that it was not obvious, and even more so at the suggestion that the interviewer believed his concerns to be about some sort of hostile invasion force, or an unknown extraterrestrial entity not of Earth.

“The moron in the White House,” Eaton angrily explained to us. “He’s taking our rights away by advising us to be careful about things and making standard policy decisions that Presidents make!”

Eaton’s concerns are shared by many, most of whom watch high volumes of cable news and love Internet memes.