Man Determines Conservatism Now Just the Opposite of Whatever Liberals Believe

Exhausted of incessantly explaining exactly how his scattered beliefs fall under the ideology of conservatism, Aaron Jones, 34, of Poughkeepsie, finally said what he feels, “is just the truth that needs to be said.” According to Jones, Conservatism itself has changed.

No longer is the ideal of conservatism to have a limited government that acts only when absolutely necessary to the safety and well-being of the nation’s people. No longer is governance a task largely delegated to state legislatures.

Conservatism shall henceforth be just the opposite position of whatever liberalism is into. Whatever liberals believe, conservatism now takes the opposite position, regardless of what it is. There can be no consensus.

This way, reasons Jones, his belief that supporting law enforcement and a powerful military with destructive weapons of doom, makes sense, since liberals oppose war and wish to more strictly regulate the police. Liberals also support tech giants being able to remove user content without consequence, so conservatism now seeks to strictly regulate these businesses and make it harder for them to thrive and make money to help the economy.

All of these ideas contradict old conservatism, but under NEW conservatism, it all makes perfect sense.