BREAKING: No One Cares

As first reported by eyewitnesses and confirmed by The Daily News Report, no one cares about that. Anyone present to perceive and process the news of that thing decided it was not worth their time and has subsequently gone about their day.

"I mean, I have important things to do today," recounted Jack Taft, a local resident present at the scene. "I saw it and I was like, 'yeah, that's really not my problem,' and I continued my errands."

This comes as a devastating blow to the small number of people who do care about that. Yes, they exist, and they were almost certain that this thing they wanted the world to consider, would change the whole game for everyone and likely reshape the world as we know it. But to their dismay, this big revelation of theirs was met with nearly unanimous indifference across the world as all who heard it shrugged and went back to what they were doing.

The Daily News Report reached out to several of the people who care about that for comment. "We plan on issuing a passive-aggressive statement with a strong eye roll and the most self-righteous tone we can imagine," Karen Smith-Jones told us. "We will not rest until the world cares about that. You will care. You will ALL care, even if we have to force you." She then cackled and walked away. The situation remains up in the air. More details will be reported as they become known.