BREAKING: Local Man Not Drunk - Rest of World is Instead

“I’m not f@#king drunk. You’re all f@#cking drunk,” a barely-coherent James Carter, 34, of Hyannis, Massachusetts, yelled at police officers and onlookers as he was taken into custody Saturday night. According to Carter, there was a grand conspiracy against him to falsely accuse him of being intoxicated and causing a disturbance.

“I only had about five beers and two shots,” Carter recounted on the scene. “That’s nothing for me. I ain't drunk and you all know it.”

Carter added that he plans to seek legal action against the arresting officers, citing police brutality, and also added that, “The G men are going all the way this year! OBJ is da maaaan! Yeah buddy!!!”