Local Man Opens, “Church of the Latter Day Vape”
“Vape is life, bro,” says 23-year-old Eric Daniels of Boston, Massachusetts, “I was vaping one day, and I don’t know what I was vaping, but while I was vaping, I saw a vision: it was an ancient deity lost to history named Xiaf, and Xiaf told me that I, and all humans of Earth must worship him and he will let us vape.”
When asked for a description of this deity, Daniels explained, “He’s the biggest and most expensive vape pen you could ever imagine. He commands that we vape in order to show our loyalty to Him.”
Daniels has already gained a small local following who attend the church every day and vape there. Curiously enough, the church is located in the basement of 53-year-old Roberta Daniels. Roberta Daniels was asked why she supports this new religion and she replied, “Oh that’s just my Eric expressing his creativity. I think it’s great that he decided to try and do something instead of sitting in there all day.”
Eric Daniels plans on expanding his church and branching out across the world.
“Vaping is the future,” explained Daniels, “It is our destiny. The world cannot escape it. All we can do is ask, bro, do you even vape?”
There is, however, already a local push back. Several local businesses have banned vaping in their establishment as a result of Daniels and his followers disturbing the other customers there by constantly vaping in their faces.
"We wouldn't care, but we'd gotten so many complaints about their rude behavior that we had to do something," says one local business owner. "It was hurting our business. Regulars stopped coming in here because they would always get vapor blown in their faces."
“Haters gon’ hate,” Daniels told reporters. “When we control the world, the haters will be the first to die. And we'll vape right in their faces before we kill them.”
Curiously, the structure and ideology of Daniels’ religion is somewhat unclear. When asked, Daniels could not provide any core beliefs or ideals that the religion holds, other than that vaping is good, and one should never stop vaping. Daniels does, however, seem to see a future in which he is the supreme and unquestioned leader of the world, and has a list of people he'll probably kill when that happens.
