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BREAKING: Suspect in Failed Hyannis Mugging Furious that Victim “Didn’t Fight Fair” in Foiling Muggi

The Chemtrails are a Government Plot to Put Money in Canada’s Pocket

BREAKING: “It Don’t Matter, ‘Cause Trump’s President Now,” is the new, “YOLO.”

BREAKING: “The Strange Yellow Tint, Overexposure, and Blurry Image are Intentional,” Says 22-Year-Ol

WALL STREET: In Wake of Election, Self-Righteousness Index Hits All-Time High

WARNING: There is a New Danger for Trick-or-Treaters: Pure Plutonium

BREAKING: Clinton Crushed and Exiled, Allowing Trump to Triumphantly Rise to Power

“Gaming is F%#king Huge: Over $20 Million in Prize Money, so Therefore it’s a Sport,” Says Local Tee

Breaking: Canada Recommends United States to Therapist

Letter to the Editor: "The Correct Way to React to Political Attack Ads"

The Daily News Report Guide to ‘Cancel Culture’

Frequently Asked Questions: Q: What is Cancel Culture? A: The new age term for the common practice of employees being fired over...

EXCLUSIVE: Local Man Infuriated Over What He Assumes President Probably Said or Meant

Qualifying his commentary with, “I’m not sure what he actually said or was talking about,” James Mason, a 39-year-old Poughkeepsie...

“You Miss Trump Yet?” Asks Cackling Supporter, Unaware that Support for Biden has Only Increased

Blissfully unaware that the Biden policy decisions thus far have been received overwhelmingly well among those who voted for him, Ed...

“It’s all just a distraction!” Screams Man, Desperately Attempting to Rescue Dying Conspiracy Theory

“I’m telling you: they’re all just trying to distract you from the real issue!” Screams Richard Eaton, 53, of Pensacola, while talking to...

Uncle Always Two Years Behind in Internet Discourse

Uncle John reportedly logged onto Facebook today and saw a great, thought-provoking, meme about an issue, and it was such a great meme...

Newly-Discovered Kuiper Belt Asteroid has Eccentric Orbit that Definitely Biden’s Fault

Object UGC-406273-05-04-2021 is a dark cold asteroid out in the far-reaches of the solar system. It sees very limited sunlight, but NASA...

Area Uncle Discovers Meme with Level of Per-Pixel Disinformation Once Thought Impossible

Uncle John Teagarden, 57, of Saratoga Springs, unknowingly discovered and subsequently shared a meme on social media that miraculously...

Trump Supporter Unsure Whether He Anti-Amazon or Anti-Labor Union

Local Trump supporter, Ethan Randal, told the Daily News Report that he knows unions are the enemy of capitalism, but according to...

BREAKING: You Really Shut Down The Argument No One Was Making

You are on fire right now! You just dropped some serious knowledge on all the 0 people of the world making the morally reprehensible...

EXCLUSIVE: Inside Biden’s Diabolical Plot to Obstruct Suez Canal and Raise Gas Prices

It turns out that the Dakota Access Pipeline was never actually working or fully operational, and that the people working on it were...

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